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CHRISTINE'S STORY • MISCARRIAGE

Posted by Bre Hanks on

CHRISTINE'S STORY • MISCARRIAGE

BRE'S STORY

Bre Hanks

Christine Covino @christinemcovino is raw and unapologetic after grieving multiple miscarriages. After losing her son, she is now a force for standing up for and celebrating women and their unborn babies. Her courage is astounding and so inspiring!

“April is my due date month with Liam, the baby we’ll never get to bring home.⠀

It’s hard living on the planet my baby died at ANY time, but these weeks, the time when I should be preparing for and giving birth, it’s been especially and acutely painful. It seems like everything is a trigger, with this global pandemic only magnifying the pain.⠀

The due date will come and go, significant to Alex and I, but just another day. Other women will birth and bring home April babies. It’s not fair and it doesn’t make sense. I too should be prepping for birth amidst a global pandemic. And selfishly, I’d give ANYTHING to be bringing Liam into the world right now. Despite the virus, despite the restrictions, despite the fears I know I would have.⠀

This is my raw grief.⠀

I’ve learned that perspective is everything. Everyone’s grief is real and valid and you cannot compare it to someone else’s. There is no hierarchy. Grief is grief.⠀

In my mind I will always wish that Liam didn’t have to die, that I didn’t have to live in this alternate reality. That we would have brought him home, like we were supposed to, in April 2020. But in my heart I’m grateful. Grateful I carried him for as long as I did, grateful for the ways he’s changed me, grateful for his legacy. Gratitude, love and perspective is what he’s left us, and they are true gifts.⠀

To the women having April 2020 babies (and beyond), I wish you health, safety and uneventful deliveries. You got this. The current situation is not ideal but you are STRONG and you can do this. And though personally I am triggered by some of the feelings I hear, THEY ARE VALID. Your fears and anxieties are warranted and your grief matters. My grief matters too. EVERYONE’S👏GRIEF👏MATTERS👏 This is a scary time to be pregnant or giving birth, there is no question. But for me, zero hesitation, I would give anything to be in your place right now if it meant I could bring my baby home. If it meant I could keep Liam forever, my April baby.

...

I try to let these thoughts and feelings in, acknowledge them, and let them go. It’s easier said than done. It’s taken a lot of therapy and meditation, and it no, it doesn’t always work.

I still have days where I’m a literal non-functioning mess. I try my best to cope but sometimes I just need to be fully under my rain cloud.

It’s hard. But it’s ok to fall apart. It’s good to acknowledge the hard feelings.

If you too have experienced baby loss I am so sorry. It’s a shitty club to be a part of, nothing I or anyone says can take your pain away. But I can relate and I can validate your feelings.

The ptsd is real, the anxiety is real, your feelings matter, your story matters, and

YOUR👏FEELINGS👏ARE👏VALID👏

Be gentle to yourself.

And if you know a mom who has ever lost a baby, check on them tonight. No matter how long it’s been. Let them know you’re thinking of them, that you don’t have the words but you are sending them your love❤️

Grief has changed me.

Losing Liam at 18w pregnant rocked our world and completely shifted my perspective in so many ways. I’m still me, but I’m also so different. I know things I thought I would never have to know, never even knew existed. The joy and ignorant bliss of child bearing has been completely stripped from me. I’ve developed anxiety and ptsd.

But I’m also a more understanding, compassionate and empathetic person now. I’m not uncomfortable around grieving people, or people struggling with hardship. I feel like I can offer true support because I have the empathy to feel their pain. And even though we are grieving differently my husband and I are closer and more in-tune than ever.

I’m not perfect and I don’t have all the answers, but I can tell you that I have grown so much in a few short months and I want to share this journey with you.

I HATE that this happened to us but I have gratitude for the renaissance of my emotions and perspective. I have gratitude that someone so small could have touched my life and the lives of so many others in such a deep way.

I will always miss my baby, I will never forget Liam and I’m so proud of his legacy that’s starting to emerge. ‘A life need not be long for it to be meaningful’❤️”

-Christine Covino

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